Words of wisdom from poet, Najwa Zebian.

Words of wisdom from poet, Najwa Zebian.

These are beautiful, yet heartbreaking, but authentic and factual words. These words speak volumes to me. They hit home. Najwa Zebian is such a soulful, talented writer whom I adore for her art.

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My poison, my antidote

My poison, my antidote

He asked me if he was hurting me

And he knew that he was-

I knew too- but I loved him so much, I didn’t admit to him that he was.

Though, I was never entirely transparent about my feelings, neither was he – our bond was distinct.

A bond where words weren’t always necessary, but our eyes spoke a language unknown to many but apparent to us.

A few years after, he was nowhere to be found- but he never betrayed me or knew how much of an impact he embedded in me.

A few rumours were told, but I still didn’t care to know- to understand it, even if he were wrong.

Another was involved.

Yet, he even disappeared back then too.

I don’t think he knew, because I never said.

He still doesn’t know what he truly meant.

I tried within a timeframe to forget who he was to me – what he meant to me

but my heart,

my soul wouldn’t let me.

I knew he was danger and maybe that’s why I needed him the way I did.

The way I still need him now.

The way I need him to stare at me in my eyes so pensively, the way i’ll always be needing him.

Now, I know where he is, but I can’t seem to reach him because I don’t want to know if he’s with another ‘her’.

He’s still out of my sight

but never out of my mind.

Every time I think of him-

my insides churn quite a bit.

I want to move on-

I want to be fine-

Others claim to want, love, need me.

But, I still wonder what it may have been like.

See – I didn’t want to fix him.

I knew he was damaged, and I was too.

I knew he might have been bad for me, but I still wanted to know more. I did everything for him to let me in, but his heart sometimes seemed so stone cold.

I knew he would continue to hurt me, but I didn’t care once I had him there.

That was all I wanted. Him. There.

I know there will be someone better for me, but they can never be him. Yet, I will still love the other with all that I have.

It’s just not the same.

One day you’re 16,

One day 26

One day 50.

I’m just mortified of turning 75 and still wishing for him by my side.

He asked me that day, “Am I hurting you?” when he spoke harshly to me, and my eyes filled with water.

And – the truth is that day is what started it all.

I wish I could just turn the clock back in time to skip that day.

That day I realised he hurt me back then,

And he still does now.

Demi Lovato – Stone Cold

At least, I can dream.

At least, I can dream.

I miss the way your eyes were glued to mine when you were in front of the room.

I miss the way you winked and smiled at me whenever you saw me around the halls.

And, now I see you looking for me,

perhaps, thinking I would reach out to you

But what can I do when you’re not mine to belong to?

It’s not like I haven’t managed to avoid you with difficulty, and it would be a lie if I said

I never imagined your hands intertwined with mine-

It would be a lie if I said I never thought of what it would be like having you with me and next to me under my warm sheets.

Your embrace, your smile, your words.

Your heart. Your empathy. Your love.

I wish you can share some of it with me.

I know you look on from a distance, but

It would be a lie if I said I never thought of your lips on mine.

Ambivalence and wine ©

Delyno – Let me feel you

You don’t see her

You don’t see her

 

If you look into her eyes,
You’d realise that there’s a lot more inside than what she projects to be,
You’d notice there’s more than this ‘radiant’ facade deemed ‘happy’,
You’d notice the grey skies turning slowly to black –
And, the walls she puts up to protect herself and to keep them out-

She wanders in the garden of her mind,
Trying to unravel this puzzle,
Uninhabited, yet all-compassing-
surrounded by a world of faces, but no eyes to truly see her.

You’d notice how she shuts everyone out-
because she doesn’t know how to believe their
words, whether this is true or false,
whether their intentions are authentic or not.

Trust- What is such a word anymore?
Lost- Who exactly?
Was there ever a time when she didn’t identify with those feelings?
‘Happy and radiant’- Was she ever?
If you look into her eyes, you’d realise there’s a lot more inside.

Ambivalence and wine ©

Drifting corpse

Drifting corpse

She drifts away in her mind

trapped and caught into the web of lies,

falsehoods, fake realities – thinking, thinking

What was reality anymore?

Had life really come to this?

 

Questions – how they piled up

the incessant noises inside,

what more was she to do?

How much of herself does she have to give?

Smile – just disguise it she says to herself

 

Is there anyone truly willing to care?

Is there anyone she could trust?

So may whys, and hows and whens and whats

Thoughts upon thoughts

realities and fictions

 

She just wanted to be close to the sea,

away from everything, away from it all.

What has it come to?

Why is it like this?

Questions and more questions

it just makes her sick.

 

Ambivalence and wine  ©

 

 

And, I pretend

And, I pretend

 

Tell me how to not reminisce your smile so quaint which wounded my insides?
And your laughter that still rings in my ear
the chuckle that won me over;
those eyes that made me even more fragile and defenceless –

How to forget every recollection?
the fascinations; and the stories we shared?–
Your damaged stares and brilliant observances
the way you made it feel like life would be crystallised just for me

But this is just what it was –
A time so sudden and so short-lived
Just a passing cloud in my existence filled with showers of rain
I wish it were so.

Wish?
is all I could do.
I could never change what it was for me.
You were the tempest of all tempests.

And, now I am not even left with your shadow to hold.
Brush it away? Brush you away is what I intended to do –
But every time I try, I fall into my old habits and thoughts once more.
So wish?
Wish is all I could do because nothing I do makes me forget you.

Ambivalence and wine ©

P.s – This poem is inspired by Clay and Hannah’s relationship in thirteen reasons why; it’s written from Clay Jensen’s perspective.

I hope you guys are fond of it as much as I am. x

Hannah and Clay