And, I pretend

And, I pretend


Tell me how to not reminisce your smile so quaint which wounded my insides?
And your laughter that still rings in my ear
the chuckle that won me over;
those eyes that made me even more fragile and defenceless –

How to forget every recollection?
the fascinations; and the stories we shared?–
Your damaged stares and brilliant observances
the way you made it feel like life would be crystallised just for me

But this is just what it was –
A time so sudden and so short-lived
Just a passing cloud in my existence filled with showers of rain
I wish it were so.

is all I could do.
I could never change what it was for me.
You were the tempest of all tempests.

And, now I am not even left with your shadow to hold.
Brush it away? Brush you away is what I intended to do –
But every time I try, I fall into my old habits and thoughts once more.
So wish?
Wish is all I could do because nothing I do makes me forget you.

Ambivalence and wine ©

P.s – This poem is inspired by Clay and Hannah’s relationship in thirteen reasons why; it’s written from Clay Jensen’s perspective.

I hope you guys are fond of it as much as I am. x

Hannah and Clay


Gunmetal eyes

Gunmetal eyes

Hey my beauties,

I decided to do another eye-makeup look; this is because I’ve gotten some good feedback from my previous eye makeup posts. And some fellow beauty lovers have really encouraged me to do more posts, although this is a little out of my comfort zone. I also enjoy it, and it helps me take my mind off of a lot of life’s stresses.

For this look, I did a gunmetal type of eye which can go with almost any lip (especially with a clear gloss or with red/dark lipstick). The look is also quite neutral so it can be used for school or work as well. The products I used are below.

(Please note: I am not a professional makeup artist; I just do these looks for my own leisure.)

Morphe 25 A copper spice palette.

BH cosmetics foil eyeshadow palette.

Colourpop single supershock shadow in the shade ‘hammered’ on the lid of eyes mixed with colourpop pressed powder shadow in the shade ‘glass bull’ on the lid as well.

Colourpop concealer in deep beige 45 to clean up the brows.

ABH brow pommade in the shade dark brown.

a white eye base.

Nyx white shadow.

Till next time,

Ambivalence and wine. x ©

We’re all addicted to something that takes away the pain: My battle with food addiction.

We’re all addicted to something that takes away the pain: My battle with food addiction.

Caution: I apologise in advance if this might be triggering.

I can’t believe I’m about to write about this and publish it. *takes deep breaths*

“I’m horribly addicted to food.” This was one of the lines I wrote in my journal when I was just fifteen years old. I’ve always known that I had a problem with food from very young. As a child, I would be aware of my surroundings and the occurrences around me earlier than most children my age, and I knew that this was a problem I faced from as young as six years old. I just hadn’t realised that it would become such a huge part of my life until one addiction led to other problems. I knew that food become an emotional outlet for me. It became ‘the’ emotional outlet among other outlets. I didn’t just eat to live, but I lived to eat. I still can’t believe I’m here about to post this on my blog, but I’m doing it for humanity. I’m doing it because I have accepted my flaws, and I know now that no one can use them against me. I’m doing it because I want others who feel they are alone in this battle to know that they’re not alone. I’m doing it because I want people to know that they have a voice and they’re loved. I’ve realised that many people face this problem and it’s not always easiest to talk about. It still isn’t the easiest for me.

My love affair with food started when I was really young as I had lost my mother. As a result of that, I grew up with relatives, and I was nurtured by my grandmother. She spoiled me rotten and she still does that till this date. She and my aunt are everything to me, and my uncles have always been supportive of me.

The thing is when dealing with that kind of personal struggle from very young it definitely takes a toll on you in your adulthood as much as you try to avoid it. I kept trying to convince myself that my father was still healing, that he doesn’t know how to show his emotions, but the more I covered his flaws and the more I felt sorry for him, the more I concealed and neglected my pain. I realised presently and emotionally I didn’t have that much of a relationship with my father, and it has remained the very same. I’ll never blame anyone for my addiction but myself, but did some of the circumstances I had to go through contribute to it? It sure did.

From an early age my love for food intensified and more complications arose. I became a victim of bullying and body shaming in primary school. I was called the worst names on the planet. You name it, I’ve been called it: fat, fatty, pig, ugly, blob, earthquake jokes were made about me.  I encountered a lot of trauma in primary school, but I learned to ‘eat’ or swallow the pain from very young, and I pretended that it didn’t bother me and laughed along as well. I learned by force to take it out using other mediums. ‘Food’ being one of the first ones, I would go home and sneak chocolates, biscuits, coca cola, wafers and every candy related thing that I could get my hands on. I tried my best to fit in in primary school, but I never looked like the other girls in my class. I never looked slimmer. I knew I looked different, and I knew that was also my fault because apart from having to deal with that entire trauma in school, my family made it difficult for me as well. My external family members would gossip about my size and the way I looked. I got it all around, and it has never been easy.

In secondary school, I thankfully got a group of friends that loved me for me, and it was so much easier to relate to each other, but that didn’t stop the bullying because during the first two years of my secondary school life, I was bullied about my appearance as well. That’s when it started to really get to me, and I really believed what they told me because those years are often the hardest years, and that’s the years where consciousness really kicks in. It really affected me, and like many others, during that time I was battling other issues at home as well; this is when I started binging. I would binge, and purge and I even tried to starve myself but it didn’t work out so well, neither did the binging.

But, food and music felt like the only real things I had in my life at that time. I became so ashamed of the fact that I loved food so much that I denied I would eat certain things. I denied that I liked fried chicken, and that it made me happy. I would try to avoid food conversations as much as I could have, but that didn’t help me behind closed doors. Behind closed doors, it was where the real ‘secret’ romance happened, and I would binge. I became a typical emotional eater by then. If I was nervous for an exam, if I was worried, if I needed to calm down I would turn to food.

During this time around fourteen, I was busy with writing music and helping my friend with her song writing as well because we were convinced by this time we were going to be the next Avril Lavigne and Amy Lee so that kept me occupied. I started to hang out with and chat with older people, and I realised how alike we were. I made a whole group of new friends. It was electric, really. I was fifteen when I had my first cigarette. I stole one from a relative of mine, and I really liked it, and how it made me feel, but I never got addicted to it, neither was I forced to have one by anyone.

After these years when I entered University, I really started to take my health a bit serious, but still I could never give up food and now the added alcohol. I gained and dropped, gained and dropped weight. However, the relationship with food was really something different. I started to think of food during that time even as a ‘friend’ who would never leave me. I really became that kind of emotional eater, but it was harder in Uni because everyone looked ‘perfect’ to me besides ‘me’.  Of course, no one is perfect, but it became a place for me to express myself truly, honestly, and I met friends and people who allowed me to be the person I was. I really felt accepted and loved. I felt like I could be my total self with them, and I still feel like that. We all expressed our love for food and Uni became the place where we tried different types of foods, but still I don’t think anyone felt the way I felt about it.

I realised till date that I never actually grew out of this kind of addiction. I’m not blaming my addiction on me being plus sized because I always was, and I know it contributed to it, but not everyone who struggles with food addiction is plus sized, but for once I can say I’m finally trying my best to accept myself for who I am. I’m not ashamed anymore for being plus sized. I am working on my health and my journey, and I am learning to really understand myself more. I am learning to discipline myself sometimes, but it has been difficult.

I do limit some of my foods, and I’m not as obsessed as I was about it, but I still struggle with it, and I am still an emotional eater. It is still an outlet for me as it is for many others. I still binge eat, and I still pour it up when I’m stressed at times, but I am learning.

Every day I’m learning to be patient with myself and not be ashamed of who I am anymore. I am learning that nothing is worth my mental health. I love food, and I will always love food because it will always be an integral part of my life. I can’t wait to try foods from around the world, but I will be careful with it and how I use it, and I am always fluctuating with my weight, but I am learning to trust this journey and to believe in myself. I’m only human, and one day I’ll get it right.

For now, I write this for the person out there who feels that they’ve been let down by people who’s supposed to be there for them; I write it for the person who feels that no one understands them, and who feels that they are pressured to be perfect. Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect. Everyone out there is beautiful, and you are too. Never let yourself think otherwise. Be patient with yourself and never let anyone make you feel like you’re not worth it. I’ve spent years battling with myself, and I still do but we’re all in it together. Stay strong.

My inspirations for writing this post are: Lilly Singh, Demi Lovato, Nabela Noor, Jeffree Star and Manny Gutierrez (MannyMua). Thank you for your sharing your stories with us and inspiring us in so many ways. I love you guys so much!

All my love,

Ambivalence and wine ©


Rainbow eyes🏳️‍🌈

Rainbow eyes🏳️‍🌈

Happy Pride to the LGBTQI community! 🏳️‍🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

In light of Pride month, I decided to do some light rainbow eyeshadow. I haven’t been able to find myself close to any pride festivals so I just decided to get a little creative… I do have hooded eyes so I didn’t fully attain the effect I wanted, but I tried my best.

Also, I just want to say that I’m not a professional makeup artist, and I do these looks for my own personal leisure, so they are not going to be a hundred percent perfect, but I hope you guys like it nevertheless.

The makeup products I used are:

A white eyeshadow base I bought in my home country.

The Morphe – 12p eyeshadow palette

The Juvias Place – Zulu palette

The Urban Decay heavy metal glitter eyeliner in the shade ‘grind’

And, the maybelline master chrome metallic highlighter for the brow bone in ‘molten rose gold’

Here are some pictures of the eye look:

Till next time,

ambivalence and wine ©

The time I tried to recreate a Huda Kattan makeup look!

The time I tried to recreate a Huda Kattan makeup look!

Sometimes when I’m under the weather, I indulge myself in various activities to lift my spirits. Some of these engagements are usually writing poetry, or stories, reading of course, taking photographs with my camera, learning a language and the list continues, but another one of my interests which is in tuned with my feminine side is that of makeup application. I am a makeup enthusiast, and I even loveeee SFX (prosthetic) makeup as well, but I still have a lot to practice and learn when it relates to that. Huda Kattan is indeed one of the most admired makeup artists and beauty bloggers there is in today’s makeup universe. I personally admire her a lot, and her journey towards starting her makeup line I think is quite inspirational. I’ve been a fan of her makeup line since it’s released, and I’ve saved up to get some of her goodies on my own because I love them so much. For this look I tried to recreate one of her looks that she did for her ‘Desert Dusk’ eyeshadow palette launch. Since, I’ve had the palette (October 2017) I haven’t used it so I decided for once to use it. It’s indeed a beautiful palette, and a cult favourite of mine. The list of products I used will be listed below.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional makeup artist, nor do I claim to be. I just recreated this look for fun, and because I wanted to actually use my palette so I thought, why not?


St. Ives Collagen Elastin facial moisturiser

Hey honey (good morning honey silk facial serum). Got a sample of this in an old ipsy bag.

Elf hydrating primer


I don’t usually fill in my eyebrows, but I just used a nyx brown pencil and filled in some parts very lightly.

Products used on Face:

Huda Beauty Faux Filter foundation in the shade cheesecake (250 G).

However, I think Tres Leches (320G) is my ideal skin tone. I even think that Baklava (340 G) can work for me/similar skin tones as well.

Colourop no filter concealers in the shades light 20 mixed with deep beige 45

Laura Mercier translucent loose setting powder for under eyes

Mac studio fix powder plus foundation in the shade C40

Blush – Sonia Kashuk creme blush in 02 rosé

Highlight – I used the sleek solstice highlighting palette. ( I ADORE this palette by the way). It’s so beautiful.

I used the shade ecliptic first, and I topped it with Hemisphere.

I don’t usually do heavy contour, but for bronzer I used the colourpop x Karruche (Kae pop) powder for a subtle warmth in the shade – Bronze me.


The Huda Beauty Deserk Dusk palette.I applied ‘Amethyst’ on the lids, and I blend it into the crease. I also added ‘Oud’ in the crease, and I dragged it to both inner and outer corners to intensify the look. I also blended ‘Royal’ on the lids, and I took my fingers and added ‘Twilight’ as a final topper on the lids. I then used ‘Nefertiti’ on the inner corner of the eyes.


Too faced better than sex mascara

I’ve never done lashes because I have sensitive eyes, and I am literally afraid to experiment when it comes to adding things to my eye. I like them on others though, and maybe one day I’ll be able to try them.


I used the Morphe eyeliner in the shade ‘dark room’ for my waterline and inner corner.

I used Limecrime Quill liquid eyeliner for my upper lash line.


I used smith’s minted rose lip balm to prep lips.

I mixed Jouer lip crème liquid lipstick in dulce de leche with Jeffree Star’s Skin tight for a clean nude look.

To set my makeup, I used the elf makeup mist and set (setting spray)

Huda’s look

My look:



These are some of the products used:

I hope you guys like this new post. I know it doesn’t look the ‘exact’ way like Huda’s, but I just did it for fun.

Till next time,



Non sequitur

Non sequitur

All these thoughts inside of me, while my mind is like a raging sea.
I’m a walking contradiction. But aren’t all of us the same sometimes?
I think of one thing, but I say another instead.
Somewhere along the line, I don’t know what happened to me.
I miss the girl I used to be,
but I know she’s somewhere still inside of me.
They all depend on me, but where are they when I need just a little amity?
Fuddled, and chaotic but somehow I manage to mask it.
At the end of this chapter, whom do we really have?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore,
where’s the logic?
where’s the truth?
what’s genuine? what’s not?
fuddled, and chaotic but somehow I manage to mask it.
Bending a little, and trying mostly not to break
 maneuvering my way into the rumbles that life throw at me.
Winter nights, but summer smiles.
It  doesn’t seem right; one sequence to the other.
Sometimes I really wonder what the Universe is doing with me.
I know life ain’t no reverie,
But –
 don’t I deserve a chance to be free?
when the lot of us have passed ‘happy’ 
I just want to feel like I am human
and not like some mechanical machine.
~ fin~
ambivalence_and_wine ©